What if I can just BE broken?

Being in approval of all that is

What if I can just BE broken?

This is the thought that came to me right after a very hot bath.

I've spent countless hours fatigued, sad, down. I'm not depressed but there is a layer of junk…I don't know how to refer to it other than this ‘thing’ doesn't allow me to be fully at ease.

I think that deep down I want things to be perfect. Me to be perfect. Stuff to be perfect. I don't know what else to be perfect…but this is ridiculous. I am just not fully at ease with myself and I don't like it but I am determined to transform.

There has to be light at the end of the tunnel because I can't live the rest of my life like this.

I came out of the bath and I thought to myself…’I had such a beautiful day…today…my colleagues are wonderful, I have an incredible supportive job, my mother called me to say what I wanted to eat for my birthday, my dad is recovering well from a serious leg injury in May. I have a beautiful family.

All right sometimes I think my sister hates me and it hurts me to death, and she does but oh well. I've had countless cries over this.. and has really brought me down a lot but I still love her, so therefore things are okay.

The next thought I had was what if I can just be broken?

Live broken.

Be in approval of my brokenness and therefore be freaking imperfectly me, broken.

I can do this.

I can do life like this.

I know I can because I am proud that even though I have felt so broken for years, somehow I am still functioning. I'm thriving. I am dancing. I am learning many hard things both creatively and in finance, and I'm not bitter. I love people and I still love my life.

I get that anyone reading this would say she's out of her mind.

Aranzasú is depressed.

How could she come out to say she's broken when perhaps on the outside…you see the vitality I have (which I do) but I have felt more broken than not the last few years of my life.

I have lived in super survival mode with a lot of PTSD of not having a home, with a lot of pressure to support my parents for a very long time, my grandmother as well when she was alive, and I often neglect to truly see how much abundance, wealth, love and health I have in my life.

I’ve felt super responsible about so many things since I was a little girl and I'm starting to let that go a little by little.

I'm starting to let go of all that pressure. I want to let go.

The pressure to provide.. the pressure to support everyone around me…the pressure to help out…I just don't want things to be hard anymore. These are unnecessary implied roles that I imposed on myself growing up.

Now I want to be supported and I want to believe that the universe supports me because it has! and I really don't want to live in ‘struggle’ anymore. I want to live my life.

I'm getting over it all… because truly we are all okay and we're all supported.

My family is healthy and we are all thriving. These are affirmations that I need to remind myself of.

Here's the part where I can go on and on with my blessings but today I just felt the need to talk about how the soul feels. How my spirit feels. How I have gotten out of really dark moments many times with many dips especially over the last three years.

I don't know how I've made it this far to be honest.

But today I just want to be broken and I want to get a good night rest (finally) I just want to be at peace (with where I am today without judgment).

I'm actually okay living in full of approval of where I am right now. I feel broken and I feel grateful in many ways.

I particularly noticed my anxiety today around the afternoon…if I had just gone to the gym to move my body or headed to the sun earlier I think I would have felt better but nonetheless, I probably needed to just sit through the pain today.

I let myself feel the anxiety and then realized that I hadn't eaten much, so I focused on eating.

Maybe my body, this vessel, this Temple and the healthy rituals I'm passionate about have actually very much allowed me to keep moving forward, because inside, truthfully I sometimes feel like I'm dying.

I had so much anxiety today so I went outside and I just sat on the grass cross-legged. I allowed the sun hit my face and I let the tears go down, all the way down. I felt a very long tear go down my chest and it was the first time I felt that.

I allowed myself to feel the sensations and instead of judging it, I just felt all the drop of tears go down my chest and when I was done, I went back into my office to work and I felt better.

Sensations sensations sensations.

If you pay attention to them without judging them, they can really bring a lot of Love back to You… at least make it easier to live in your body. Even when you feel broken, even when you just want to lay down and give up.

I don't have any qualms about sharing this with you because it's helpful for me to express myself… the real deal..the things that bring me joy and the things that are sometimes tough.

How I've come a long way.

I started writing Instagram posts…a long time ago and they were all about motivation and I meant every word I said but today, I'm sharing something different because I felt the need to express it as I start thinking more about my humanity without judging it..

Going to bed now and I'm sending you much love as I sign off at 11:11.

Hope this raw post brings all the love that you need today. I am doing very well so please don't worry about me!! I always come out to the other side of the mountain and by sharing my feelings it doesn't mean that I don't have it anymore. I'm actually stronger by feeling the pain and my ability to hold it is greater now, which is a big WIN 🙏🏼🩷

Xoxo -

Aranzasú

P.s. please excuse any typos. I am not doing multiple drafts and thoroughly editing anything lol 😆 this is my first and only draft. I am practicing how to be less of a perfectionist and I am also practicing allowing my soul to be fully expressed in this lifetime. Thank you for being here and reading this if you got this far.